After

I keep telling myself

life will begin

after this.

After I find a better job.

After I earn a little more.

After I become someone

I am proud to introduce.

After I look in the mirror

and finally like

the person looking back.

After I find someone

who stays.

After I stop worrying

about what comes next.

There is always an after.

And I have become very good

at living for it.

I save places I want to visit,

things I want to buy,

roads I want to take,

little versions of happiness

for a life

I haven't reached yet.

Maybe that is why

the present feels so temporary.

Like this room

is only a waiting room.

Like this job

is only a waiting room.

Like this version of me

is someone

I am supposed to leave behind.

But tonight I wondered;

what if there is no morning

where everything suddenly

falls into place?

What if life never announces,

you can start now.

Maybe it has already started.

Maybe it was happening

on all those ordinary Sundays,

on roads with nowhere important to go,

over cups of tea

I finished without noticing,

in conversations

I wished lasted a little longer,

in the small excitement

of making something

that didn't exist yesterday,

even in nights like this;;

when nothing extraordinary happened

and I thought

that meant nothing happened at all.

I still want those tomorrows.

I still want the better job,

the stronger version of me,

someone to come home to,

a life that feels

a little more like mine.

I just don't want

to arrive there someday

and discover

I spent my whole youth

waiting for my life to begin.

How many tomorrows can I live for

before I accidentally spend today?

Its Time to LIVE